Let me tell you something that will make you uncomfortable.
Let me tell you about being alone.
Every day the sun will come up, until it doesn’t. I wish that my heart no longer beats before that would ever happen. But just like the sun will come up again, life is created and life is taken away. The world turns, time passes, years, months, weeks…
Today is an example of being alone. I stay at work later because I don’t want to go home. I love my home, but not when it’s empty. Sure, my lovie of a dog greets me with her babies in-mouth and her sword-like tail. It’s still not the same as walking into a home already occupied with a partner maybe cooking dinner, or two adorable children doing homework, or even fighting.
On days like these, I sometimes don’t eat dinner. Maybe I’m not hungry, maybe I don’t have anything to make, maybe I kind of forget. On days like these, I have high aspirations to get shit done - instead I might dick around on the internet or plan to go to bed early.
On days like these, I sometimes feel the urge to pick up my writing projects; maybe I’m all jazzed on the drive home, teasing out all the great things that will roll off my fingertips. Instead, I re-read the same old lines between all these tears, making a few edits along the way only to abandon it.
On days like these, I crawl further into my hole. I think about the wrong shit, that sends me ten steps backwards. On days like these, I wish for things that don’t make sense or things that won’t come true. I dread the future - sometimes the next day, or the upcoming months.
On days like these, I can feel so out of sorts. Sometimes I feel like I forget the sounds of my daughters’ voices, their smell, the way they squeeze my hand. Maybe I need to remind myself that I am a mother.
On days like these, I might feel so little. Yea Yea, my stature isn’t big, but my mouth…yea. I got that. What I mean is maybe I feel like I lack value, like I don’t make a difference, or maybe I might feel like I don’t exist.
But for now, tomorrow, the sun will come up again.