I knew it had been some time since I last wrote. That's not to say I haven't journaled or jotted little notes on a piece of paper; those words (and others) didn't make it to this platform. And I'm perfectly okay with that. This period has been another little rollercoaster in the thrill ride of my life. I continue to experience pain and joy; life and death; fear and curiosity.
Always in the back of my mind, I remember the handwritten words my uncle penned in a card celebrating my 8th grade graduation.
When I think about the past, I certainly did just that. I'd make decisions and move the hell on. I didn't find value in reflection even though each of those decisions (big or small) would get filed into my 'I'll deal with it later' folder which eventually exploded in my face two years ago. Now, as I try to move forward (tripping and sometimes falling along the way), I do look back, maybe it's a cautious glance over my shoulder.
Earlier this month I turned 40, a dreadful number for me. People tried to comfort me by saying 'age is just a number' and 'you're only as old as you feel'. Well, folks, 40 is a big number when you're used to being treated like you're 15 and sometimes, I feel really fucking old. As you can see, I'm also in the business of arguing. Give me something I've never heard before, then we'll have a real conversation. Despite all of that, the day before my 2nd triathlon, I made the choice to begin the celebration of my birthday - a choice I had NEVER made before, not had I ever considered. Two weeks later, I partied with those closest to me. My home was filled with love, laughter, light and my glass was forever filled (only having one glass of wine - wink). Through all my darkness, they're still there. The celebration continues. I suppose it's a celebration of life; a celebration I could have had all along, but it took me falling down to find the party.
I climbed high the following week by accepting the role of Queen Sherpa at the Ironman 70.3 in Lake Placid. Coming back to work was 'like woah' on the sharp drop. I held on for dear life as I rounded the herky-jerky corner into another anniversary weekend - the sadness almost consumed me, but I got up again. On the heels of that I left on a jet plane for a conference (oh, I hated to go) only to be turned upside down by coach's order to 'eat clean' and 'get rest'. Aside from Wednesday night (where I scored a 9 on the fun-o-meter), I did a fine job. Late Thursday evening, the ride came to a controlled stop as I collapsed into my bed.
But today, I get going again.
Today, I pack a bag to head out for my last triathlon of this season. A season I never thought would ever happen for so many reasons. I will embrace this challenge, like I have the others, by believing in myself. I will honor my training by reflecting on my successes and learning from my failures. I will have confidence in my body's abilities, for I am strong. And if I happen to fall again, I'll land on my back, so I can see the stars.