Back in January, I agreed to meet up with some of my Crazies (a.k.a. bestest running girlfriends) to make a vision board. In all honesty, most of us balked at the idea, but I showed up with a stack of magazines and pictures, expecting to down enough booze to make the event worth while. Well, hot damn, I quickly realized that this exercise in vision mapping was so cathartic. I tried to see my year at a higher level, not focusing on any one aspect. I kept up with the conversation between gulps of wine as I crafted what I believed to be the best vision board.
I glance at the board almost every day; a piece of blue poster board covered in pictures and clippings of inspirational phrases/words with a personal meaning. Some of the pictures are peeling away from the front of the board, but the effect still rings true. There's no great place to hang it in my home (weekend project, I guess), so it just lays on my living room floor, out of the way, but not out of sight. I've used it to help guide a meditation for the morning, or as a mantra for the day. Sometimes, I'll have my girls pick a word, or phrase for me and I'll try and hold onto that through the day, maybe a few days.
My weekend was packed with activities and a 15 mile run, but there were pockets of loneliness that almost got the best of me. Today, a new day, breathed promise. I slept in just a bit (thank you, rest day) before taking a quick shower. As the water boiled for my coffee, I did a little core work. I owned the early morning with a 'Fuck yea, I got this day'. After getting dressed and packing my lunch I hovered above the vision board until the words 'Embrace the Space' caught my eye.
I've always said that I need to find comfort in the uncomfortable. The reality is that this space is not welcoming and I'm far from embracing it. The dark space has a way of tugging at my ankles, pulling my breath away. I fight the grip it has on me, but maybe, if I had a different mindset approaching that space, the outcome would be different.
I grabbed my journal (one of three) and, IN PEN, etched the words for the week 'Embrace the Space'. The morning's developments challenged my perspective on space, loneliness. Decisions were made that will change things forever. Decisions that heighten my fear of being left behind — lonely. By the afternoon, I was spent; a dribbling idiot at a laptop trying to make sense of the immediate past. I worked among the flashbacks, both good and bad, knowing that regardless of what was, I needed to continue my journey of what will be. I slowly withdrew from my support systems, zipping my emotions as the skies opened theirs. The rain bounced off my umbrella as I flew to my car. My darling flats (so old and, well, old) tried to float in the puddles, only to take in enough water soaking my feet. I paused before jumping in my car to close the umbrella. The door slammed shut as I exhaled.
It can't rain all the time, right?