What Matters Most
Question or statement? Yesterday morning it was definitely a question I stumbled upon as I wrapped up 10% Happier by Dan Harris. What matters most? This evolved into a statement as the day unfolded.
During the middle of this marathon training cycle, coach and I decided that a 'peppy' 5K would be great to get my head race-ready. Ugh. 5K's blow. I feel that it's a lot of prep (personally) for a short distance; "Nevertheless, she persisted."
The St. Pat's themed race happens to be held in my hometown. It's a race I've done maybe 7 times. It used to be a real event - friends would gather, some would run while the others spectated at the corner bar. After the run, the mom's would spectate the incoming parade with the kids while the 'boys' shuttled beers/wings back to us from the bar. My participation in that tradition ended in 2015 when I moved on. I tried to run the race in 2016, but it was too soon. I was overwhelmed with anxiety; I physically too worked hard and got no where fast. I proceeded to vomit in a shrub after crossing the finish line. With tears flowing, I left the course vowing to never return. That day was injected with ghosts of my past life, haunting me with their lifeless eyes.
Here I am. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. I'm smarter and more fit (inside and out)...with purpose. What matters now, is different than what mattered then.
Taking back my joy is what matters now. I belong on the road, with all of you.
Yesterday, I cleared my head (with my pen) minutes before leaving my house.
I did all of that and cried tears of joy after the runner's high wore off, hours later.
I did all of that... That was my goal. It wasn't a time, it wasn't a pace. It was that. I took coach's advice and raced alone, for me.
Instead of being faced with the darkness of the ghosts, I opened my eyes and ran to the light.